Bonnie Miller- Helping Problems Fail

Your body is a horse

Most people treat their body like a car: they fuel it, maintain it and use it to get around town. 

 

But actually, your body is much more like a Horse- it's a big Animal, with a mind of it's own.

And when that Horse gets upset, nervous, fidgety, you need to know how to settle it, soothe it, or it will run away with you!

So what soothes the Horse? Exercise, fresh air, soft talk, soothing touch, company. 

In this moment in our lives, responding to government calls for self-isolation and social distancing, we're all struggling with how to settle our nervous Horses- bodies that are jumpy, restless, alarmed and longing for touch and connection. 

Movement of any kind- walking, dancing, stretching- will help. Movement releases tension, gives adrenalin an outlet, creates a physical sense of safety and action. 

Stepping out into the fresh air, breathing, listening for birds and other natural sounds reassures our jumpy nervous system. Yes, there is a crisis happening... but right outside your door, Spring is gathering itself for a blossoming. Walk, if you can, no matter the weather. Breathe.

Soothe your senses! Though many of us are in a state of physical separation from others, we can still light scented candles, make herbal tea, cook a batch of fragrant soup or sauce. 

Dress in something soft and sensual on the skin. Use lotion to give yourself a reason to offer your Horse a lovely, kind massage. Have a hot shower or bath.

Any actions that involve pleasant sensory stimulation will help to settle the nervous body, letting it know that you are safe, right here, right now. This crisis will unfold, and we all have a part to play. Staying calm and practicing self care will go a long way towards helping our whole community come out on the other side. 

Playing around

Sometimes people will say: "I've got a new toy"... well- I've got a new toy!

Actually, the truth is, I've got a few new toys, lately. One is a keyboard, the other is an IPad tablet. So, the IPad I can say is for work- and it is, really. But- it comes with some nifty things for play.

I'm not talking about games, though I sometimes use games. But the games we typically use on phones and tablets are not really play. They are more accurately categorized as 'escape' or 'numbing'. People use these simple repetitive games to distract themselves from a subway journey, from an unavoidable wait, from a pause in the action. This is not play. 

Play is more active than that. Play is creative, imaginative, expressive, and at best, social. Play is not driven by outcomes, or product- it is activity for its own ends. Simply, to play is the point.

I am not a musician. I have no training, no background, no musical theory. I sometimes listen to music, but not in a serious way. I am ignorant of its history, its big names, for the most part and I don't listen to the radio, I'm not up on the current trends. So when I fool around on my keyboard, there is no beauty in it for anyone else. But for me- this toy takes me to a state of flow, and that is deeply relaxing.

I 'play' on my keyboard. I find rhythms and beats I like, and set the autoplay going. Then I express myself without judgement. 'noodling around' to make a song that isn't a song. I'm exploring, and I don't record it, or get attached to the outcome. When I'm done, I'm grinning and happy, laughing with goofy pleasure.

Play. 

How do you do it?

Questions that get kids talking

I love it when I have a meeting with a child who tells me that they 'don't really like talking' -- and then, somehow, they talk for a whole hour! 

and it gets me thinking about how this happens...why do (some) kids who normally 'clam up' in the face of questioning become fountains of words in my office?  Because my sessions with children are mostly questions- but they are a different kind of question. 

I will have to do some research (ie: ask some kids) but one boy told me: 'you ask me questions that get me talking about things I didn't even know I knew!' 

Things like-

• what worry gets up to, and what they already do to manage it;
• what they know about how fairness and unfairness, and why it is important to them;
• how sensitivity and caring are part of why they find themselves in trouble;
• what adults might do to be more helpful;
• and how skills like creativity, imagination and memory can bring frustration and upset

 
Parents will often comment on this, and express appreciation for what they heard- and I get the sense that they will go away and have a different kind of talk with their child after we have met. 

This has me wanting to share more information about the kinds of questions I ask children, and the ideas behind them- hopefully, kids can then have more conversations with more people, about things they  'know, but didn't even know they knew.'

I hope you'll feel free to comment!

Body, mind and breath

It's easy in our culture to get caught up in talk.

We think, and we talk; we analyse and we problem-solve. But this is not necessarily the best thing, or the first thing that we should do.

More and more these days I am reading about the close connections between mind/body. The body sends signals to the brain, the brain to the body. We make meaning of these signals and take action based on the that meaning. Changing any part of that loop has effects.

Here is a very simple example. This morning my partner and I had a difficult discussion about a practical matter. Because we saw things from different angles, it took us some time to come to a shared understanding. And because the conversation took place early in the day, I wasn't in top form for problem solving.

We did come to a solution- so that was good. And I ended up feeling quite exhausted.

There are times when that feeling of exhaustion and the thought 'I feel so tired' would bring along a strong sense of gloom and discouragement for me. But because of recent readings about awareness and being in the present moment, and the connection between mind/body, today I thought I'd try something different.

I started by describing the sensation of 'so tired'. What did it really mean to me? what did it feel like for me?

I wrote down what I noticed: heavy limbs, heavy eyelids, minimal energy, slow thinking. An image came up- that all my blood was pooled in the muscles of my bottom, as I sat typing. No blood was flowing, everything in my body, aside from the ends of my fingers, was still. And I felt like I was barely breathing. Even my lungs were motionless.

Having noticed this, I decided to take a couple of deeper breaths. I stretched my neck, and flapped my arms a bit. This seemed to work, so I arched my back, then stood and bent side to side. I flapped my arms a bit more and took a few more breaths. I bent forward at the waist and then backwards.

Amazingly, this little bit of physical activity lightened my mood. My thoughts got quicker, less sluggish, my eyes felt less heavy. I felt energized and less gloomy. The discouragement that had been gathering seemed to drift off like morning fog.

What I did was send a message from my body to my brain- 'time for sluggishness is over. There is cause for movement, cause for action, for interest.'

My brain, it seemed, took note. My deeper breaths are bringing more oxygen into my blood. And of course, my blood is actually moving now, delivering oxygen to my brain, to my limbs and lungs.

Suddenly, the argument of the morning falls into perspective. We'll still have to put our agreement into action, we'll still have to reconnect and take care of each other, but now I have the energy as well as the will.