Bonnie Miller- Helping Problems Fail

"Failure" and Self Esteem

Stories of "Failure" and Self-Esteem

Here are some questions I've been re-considering lately: 

• What happens when we fail at something?
• What is the process afterwards?
• How do we recover?
• What is the standard of performance?
• How do these standards develop? 

Here's why : I use the writing site www.750words.com to develop my writing habits.

This site tracks the number of words you write in a session (the minimum is 750 or 3 pages); and rewards you with 'badges' for making it a daily habit. 

I've discovered I like badges...

So, back in the summer of 2011, I'd gotten to a personal record -168 days in a row, heading toward the coveted pteradactyl badge-and then, in a moment of distraction forgot to write one day, and my 'perfect' record was lost. 

Disappointment, Annoyance, Blame, Discouragement

These were my first reactions...

And then I had some decisions to make. These included:

• What story will I tell about that moment of disruption, and the loss of my 'record'?
• Do I focus on what happened, analyse it, discover how it happened and why?
• Will I draw conclusions about the future based on this?
• What kinds of descriptions of my character will I offer myself?

The invention of the assembly line took problem solving in a certain direction.

If something was slowing up production, then the problem needed to be spotted and addressed. Logical assessment worked because production was mechanical; a 'rational' fitting together of parts in logical steps.

It works great for assembly lines, closets, cars, because these things can be 'fixed', and then they tend to stay that way (until the next problem arises).

How does it work for people?  

People are less mechanical than that. We change from moment to moment on many levels. And when we use a 'mechanical' metaphor to think about our problems it may have certain unwanted effects.

People don't really get 'fixed'. And even when we think that this has happened, it just doesn't stay that way.

Let's look at what it does when we analyse a 'failure' in terms of problem cause and effects.

• We look for the cause of the problem. ("what made me forget to write"?)
• We consider several possibilities. ("I got distracted by my busy life" or "I am not structured enough" -just 2 examples!).
• We try to come up with ways to 'fix' the cause of the problem. ("I need to cut out some activities" or "I need to be more firm in my routine").
• We apply the 'fix'. (resolve to write every morning). 
• We start again, with expectations that the 'fix' will bring the desired results. (Didn't work, I missed the whole month of December!)

What happens when the 'fix' doesn't work?

When a plan based on a 'production' model of cause and effect fails to get results most of us will begin to blame ourselves. 

We find reasons in our character- lack of discipline, laziness, inconsistency, too distracted.

These descriptions are important, because they have a cumulative effect on our sense of 'self-esteem': the ideas that we have of our ability to form and keep a habit, ideas about how we might describe ourselves to others, ideas about what we can and cannot do in life. 

That's why I prefer a problem solving approach that looks at 'Practices and Values' instead of "Cause and Effect". 

More on that, next time.

 

 

 

 

Purposeful values and intentional purposes

"Comparison" can be an enormous factor in generating 'low self-esteem'.

This is partly because the standards of "Comparison" are usually based on outside sources, and may shift according to the situation. What is okay in one situation is judged negatively in another.

But when we are connected to our own purposes and values, this shifting standard of "Comparison" can lose a lot of its power over us. 

Identity is something we build over time

If Identity is something we build over time, then it must be connected to our practices, our actions.

Sometimes these practices are accidental- we've just fallen into them without thought. An example might be always using hot water to brush our teeth- a habit that a person would likely never think about, unless it was pointed out to us. example, example.

Other practices are taught to us- like the practice of tucking our sheets with 'hospital corners'- imitating our parent, who did it that way. 

And some practices are more intentional- 10 sit ups before bed; always answering email right away.

These practices invite other people to describe us in certain ways: tidy, diligent, thoughtful, fussy, fit...Over time we can begin to lose sight of the idea that actually, these are things we learned to do. We can start to think we were 'born that way'. 

But when we begin to think about our practices, and we begin to think about the values that these practices express, then we can see ourselves as 'shaping our own identity'. 

When we look at Comparisons, and then think about our own values, we create the space for ourselves to intentionally choose practices that fit with those values. 

So, if I agree with my Canadian family that I am fit, then I may exprerince satisfaction with my shape and physical ability and maintain my present relationship with food and activity.

If I listen to my British family, and agree that I am at risk for health problems, then I might modify my relationship with food and activity. 

These two opinions might generate conflict for me: I might lose confidence in my own choices and practices. Not only that: I may decide that I prefer how I feel with one group of people over how I feel with the other group. These choices will have effects on my life in various ways. 

But if I check in with my own values and purposes - to be energetic, to be able to appreciate my surroundings, to treat my body with loving kindness- then I will choose to develop a relationship with food and activity that is moderate: walking out of doors more often to appreciate nature; walking on my treadmill because it stimulates my mind; more veg and fruit because then I feel more alert; moderate indulgence in sweets as part of an enjoyable meal. 

My relative shape and size are less important than how I feel mentally, and what I am appreciating in daily life. I develp practices that are based on the values I cherish in my life; and these stay consistent no matter what group I am with.

I think this quote might be relevant to these ideas:

"Sow an act, and you reap a habit; sow a habit, and you reap a character; sow a character, and you reap a destiny. George Dana Boardman"

 

What do you think?

Comparison and Self-Esteem

When I am working with someone and the issue of 'low self-esteem' comes up, we often talk about the idea of "Comparison". 

In my last post, I talked about how my weight and body shape is perceived and responded to differently, depending on which part of my family I am with-I think this is a good example of how "Comparison" isn't just to other specific individuals- it can be to a whole community. 

Families are a community. So are workplaces and professional groups, teams and other social groups, schools and other educational settings.

Each group comes with a set of spoken and unspoken 'standards'. And consistently feeling like you are 'outside' of the standard can call all kinds of things into question. 

A single woman among married friends; a heavy man among muscled colleagues; an active child among sedentary peers- these visible or 'status' differences have effects on a person's identity within that group.

Sometimes it matters, and sometimes it doesn't. So what makes the difference?

So much depends on how the difference is understood.

If the married friends are struggling with their busy lives, feeling disconnection from spouses, they may understand their single friend as 'free' and elevate her status. She may (or may not) agree, and this will influence some of her response to being single.  

The heavy man may be the CEO; his fitness level may be immaterial to his success, where his colleagues are still focused on first impressions. The heavy guy may be happily partnered; the fit men may still be living a single life. Who feels better about themselves? And will that sense of contentment stay the same when they are in front of their family doctor?

And the active child may have no problem personally with her level of energy; but much will depend on her educational environments. One school environment may express frustration and judgment of the active child; another may focus on supporting and working with her energy and specific learning style. Her sense of identity in the school setting might be different, depending on this.

This variety means that 'self-esteem' can fluctuate, and 'comparison' is a big part of that. 
What can we do about this? 

In my experience, the most useful thing is to focus our attention on our own values and purposes. Look at the effects of 'comparison' on how you think; look at what comparison gets you doing, how it influences your attitudes and actions.

Do these attitudes and actions suit you? Do they fit with your values and purposes for yourself? If so, how can you support them, and maintain what is working for you?

If not, how can you step away from what is not working? what can you do instead?

Multiple Roles and Multiple Selves

When we are thinking about 'self-esteem' it is important to consider which 'self' we are talking about.

One way to do this is to notice all the different roles we have in our lives. For example, I am a daughter and a daughter-in-law; I'm a therapist and a painter; I am a step-mom, a wife, a friend; I am a trainer and a learner. 

In each of these roles there are many things that stay the same about me. But how I feel about these roles many change, depending on the surroundings, and the people who are inter-acting with me. 

A simple example: When I visit my Canadian family, I am physically 'average'. When I visit my British in-laws, I am both taller and heavier than 'average'. My two mothers may have different reactions- one may comment on how fit I am; the other may worry about my health. These differing responses interact with my privately held opinions of my health, my efforts related to that, my own purposes, the nature of my relationship with these two women in my life.

Same body, two reactions; many possible effects.

When we are thinking about self-esteem, or helping someone else think about it, a good first step might be to separate out and name some of these roles, these different identities.

Then, we can take a look at who we relate to in these roles, what they hope for, what we hope for, and how these things inter-act. We can look at our actions, our values, and our preferences. 

Are we feeling pride or shame? confidence or doubt? something in-between? 

We can ask ourselves or those we are trying to help: Why this feeling and not something else? Why these standards, and not others? and what is the history of that?

I've got a story about that...

How do we connect the dots between our sense of self and influential others?

The best way to re-connect with the influential figures of our lives is through stories.

Stories do a number of things:

• they set the scene
• they describe action
• they inite us to think about the feelings, ideas and experiences of others,
• and they encourage us to make sense of our lives. 

We'll often say things like 'I've always done that' or 'I've always been that way' when we are talking about practices or values. but there is usually a story behind it- some experience started us thinking of ourselves in a certain way.

 
I'll give you an example. 

For as long as I can remember, I've been a very avid reader, and a teller of stories.

I like to make incidents into stories, and at one point in my life I thought I might become a novelist. Here is my idea of how this got started: 

When I was around two or three years old, my mother had a friend who used to look after me- I called her Auntie Eva. Auntie Eva used to ask me to scribble on paper, which I was very pleased to do for her. And then- and this was the fun part- she'd 'read' me the story I had just 'written' with my scribbling. 

My identity as a 'writer' and 'storyteller' was created by Eva, and encouraged by others over time. 

I can identify several other people (including fictional characters, like 'Jo' from Louisa May Alcott's "Little Women") who influenced this identity. And though I no longer plan to be a novelist, the acts of writing and reading, and interest in stories have taken on rich meaning in my life over time. 

And when I am faced with a writing assignment I feel worried about, or overwhelmed by, I can (sometimes) connect with this history of writing and storytelling, and find reassurance in this history. My 'esteem' of my 'writing self' goes up, a little, with each practice of these skills.

Can you do this for yourself?

Think of something that you do- something that you value or take pride in. Ask yourself: 

• What is the history of this?
• Who are the people, living or passed away, real or fictional, who have influenced me in this practice?
• What story could I tell?
• What story might someone else tell about this?
• How does this connect with other stories? 
• And how does it show up as meaningful in my life today?

 

Questions? Comments? Feel free...

An 'association of life'

Here is an interesting idea, from Michael White's 'Maps of Narrative Therapy' (2007):

"...identity is founded upon an 'association of life' rather than a core self." (p. 129)

He also writes, in the same chapter: 

"The membership of this association of life is made up of the significant figures of a person's history, as well as the identities of the person's present circumstances, whose voices are influential with regard to how the person constructs her or his identity." (p. 136)

White is suggesting that our sense of self is 'made', not born- and that other people make significant contributions to this.

In some ways, this idea seems kind of obvious, doesn't it? We hear from our family at an early age, how we are 'just like our mother', or say that a person is a 'carbon copy' of their father. Most often, though, we think of this as a biological inheritance.

This notion of biological inheritance can have very limiting effects. For some of us, it can feel like a prediction- that problems of anger, or impatience, or shyness, or worry- are 'built into' us, and are therefore inescapable.

It also leaves little space to acknowledge the contributions of significant others- people who are not related to us, but who nevertheless have a strong effect on our values, our ways of seeing the world, our awareness of skills and abilities. 

These things- what we do and how we think- are most certainly significant elements of what we would call our 'selves'- our identity. So how does this relate to the concept and experience of 'self-esteem?'

In part, our 'self-esteem' is very much related to our reputation with others. What are the stories that other people tell about us? What were the reports of teachers to our parents? How did our parents understand these reports? Who thought well of us? How was this shared, and with whom?

A lot will depend on the cultures and context in which we grow and develop. What standards are we held to? Is it a climate of competition, encouragement, indifference? What is measured? And who decides what is measured? What is valued? 

A child will experience many evaluations as they grow- some will contradict each other:

• a strict teacher may demand compliance
• a collaborative parent may value creativity and self-expression
• a coach may encourage teamwork or competition
• a faith community may emphasise contribution and service to others
• a family culture may require adherence to tradition
• a peer group may press for exploration of what is new

Which of these practices takes precedance? 

In the 'association of life' there may be voices that have taken up too much space, critical figures that drown out other, more appreciative individuals. The effect of this chorus, this drowning out of appreciation can contribute to a 'lowering of self-esteem'- and we see the result, in depression, in worry and fear of risk, in a restricted life.

But these other, appreciative figures are there, waiting to be 're-membered' into our lives. They can be, as Michael White says "upgraded" in our life membership; and those who are unhelpful can be 'down-graded', or even expelled from our 'club'. 

Talking with others about important, supportive figures can revive these voices. We can recollect their comments, reconsider what they might have seen in us, why they might have singled us out for special attention. In these recollections, we might also think about what we might have meant to them, how we contributed to their lives. 

As we talk of these people, we 're-member' them, and rediscover the skills and values that they encouraged in us. We begin to know ourselves as a person with many different expressions of identity, to many different people. And we begin to remember that we have choices about how we live our lives.

Relationships and self-esteem

Stories about our selves are really stories about relationships.

Even in utter isolation, we create and value relationships, as part of how we make sense of the world. For me the most moving scene in the movie "Cast Away" (Tom Hanks, 2000) was when Tom's character Chuck Noland loses his 'friend' Wilson the volleyball...

Something about Chuck's sense of self had to do with this relationship- I guess we could come up with a lot of different stories about what Wilson meant to Chuck- after all, in the movie, Wilson was Chuck's only companion for four years...

But what seems interesting to me is the idea that we tell our stories about our selves and our purposes, our thoughts and dreams and plans to others- even if the 'other' isn't real in the conventional sense.

The relationship is real.

It's important to recognize the influence of these 'real' relationships, whether they are imaginary, as with children's favorite toys, or remembered, as with a person no longer present in our lives. These relationships make a background for our stories of success and failure, and they influence our evaluation of how well or how poorly we are doing in our lives.

We all have these influential relationships. And some of them are intentional; some of them are imposed. We can all connect with some figures who played the role of loving witness and supporter. We are all exposed to the unsolicited influence of those who emphasise criticism and judgement.

When we are trying to help someone improve their sense of self-esteem, it can be important to check out which relationships are front and center. We want to make sure that the person is in touch with loving witnesses and supporters, and less attentive to critics and judges. 

We can do that by inviting the person to tell stories of their experiences of support; stories about people who noticed the values and intentions and practices that are most important to the person. These relationships, these connections can begin to counter the stories of failure or loss that often lead to a person feeling a degraded sense of worth.

Even though Wilson is lost at sea, we can imagine what he might say, if asked, about Chuck's persistence, creativity, humour, intelligence. These stories might go a long way to helping Chuck feel less terrible about his loss, and put him back in touch with all that he did for and with Wilson, on their lonely island.

 

What is self-esteem?

It's something we talk about fairly often- our 'self-esteem'... but what is it that we are really discussing?

A quick Google search for 'definition of esteem' provides this: "Respect and admiration, typically for a person: "he was held in high esteem by colleagues". Other entries use terms like 'stable sense of worth' or 'value'. 

So what is this 'self' that we are hoping to have respect and admiration for? Programs for kids and adults alike often ask us to list things we like about ourselves, or things that we are good at. And in my experience, these lists are inconsistently useful. 

It seems that something is not connecting- its not just a matter of listing qualities we like, or our hobbies or interests. 

There is more to it than that.

Stories and their meanings

We all have stories about our lives, and we take meaning from these stories. 

For example, a father who is firm about setting limits for his six year old daughter may tell the story in several ways. 

In the first version, he might tell it as a comedy, a story about his daughter's budding talent as an actress, as he describes the stages of her resistence; wheedling, pouting, tears, outrage, and sweetly requested foregiveness.

In another version, he might tell the same story as a drama, focusing on his inner struggle to stay the course, his feelings of frustration and of guilt, as he battles between a desire for consistency and his wish to be his daughter's favourite parent.

and of course, his daughter will have her own way of telling the story...

But what has this to do with self-esteem? 

Meaning-making, or the 'moral of the story'

The father in this example has intentions that relate to his role as a dad- perhaps he wants his daughter to have good homework habits, or practice good sleep habits, or perhaps he has clear ideas about healthy eating- whatever his intentions are, they make up the motives behind his actions.

He is not acting in a vaccum, though. His daughter has her responses, and she makes sense of what her father does on her own terms. She may think of him as 'mean', 'unfair', perhaps even 'horrible' or 'not as nice as Grandpa'. 

This gets to be important, over time. 

It can be easy for a parent to begin to doubt themselves. The story he tells, the story his daughter tells, and the way that he is seen by other adults can add up. He may develop a story of himself as a 'strict dad', a 'mean dad', or a 'caring dad'; and the actions he takes may be exactly the same in each instance.

The opinions of valued other people influence how we feel about ourselves, and if we are confronted with a negative response, in spite of our good intentions, we may come to feel 'less esteemed'.

A story of 'failure as a parent' can begin to come together, and may link up with other stories of 'failure'. As this theme gathers strength, the opinion of one's performance begins to lower... we can begin to feel as if all the evidence is in, and in time, the origins of this story of 'failure' are buried, like running shoes under a pile of dirty laundry.

So, what can we do about it? How do we help ourselves or others get out from under this accumulated story?

Re-storying values and intentions

Sometimes a person loses their sense that a story could be told in any other way. 

When this happens, it's important to listen for the 'thin threads' of another story- the story of intentions or values, or hopes that might be lurking in the usual storyline.

What is behind this father's sticking to his limits for example?

What does he hope to accomplish, and why?

How did he decide to set this purpose in his parenting?

How did this way of parenting become important to him?

When we search for the values and intentions in a story, we can help people reconnect to something 'respect-worthy' in their lives. We can look at whether their choices are supporting of their values, or if their choices somehow contradict their values and hopes. We can consider other people's views from a place of relationship, and what is hoped for in that relationship. 

And when we do this, it is inevitable that a person's esteem of their own intentions will rise...

Single and female

I've been having conversations with other women, lately, about what it means to be single in 2012.

In some ways, it doesn't seem to matter how old you are, or what you've accomplished in your life so far; the social expectation that we should be partnered up are still very powerful.

That sounds kind of cold... it's not just social expectations, of course. We also want a companion, a person to share experiences with, someone to love and be loved by.

But what does it mean when this is not available? When we lose a partner, through illness, or divorce, or by choice because its not working out... 

Does it say something about a woman, if she is not partnered? and is it more difficult to find a partner, in 2012?

This article, in the November issue of The Atlantic, discusses the single woman with these questions in mind. 

Questions that get kids talking

I love it when I have a meeting with a child who tells me that they 'don't really like talking' -- and then, somehow, they talk for a whole hour! 

and it gets me thinking about how this happens...why do (some) kids who normally 'clam up' in the face of questioning become fountains of words in my office?  Because my sessions with children are mostly questions- but they are a different kind of question. 

I will have to do some research (ie: ask some kids) but one boy told me: 'you ask me questions that get me talking about things I didn't even know I knew!' 

Things like-

• what worry gets up to, and what they already do to manage it;
• what they know about how fairness and unfairness, and why it is important to them;
• how sensitivity and caring are part of why they find themselves in trouble;
• what adults might do to be more helpful;
• and how skills like creativity, imagination and memory can bring frustration and upset

 
Parents will often comment on this, and express appreciation for what they heard- and I get the sense that they will go away and have a different kind of talk with their child after we have met. 

This has me wanting to share more information about the kinds of questions I ask children, and the ideas behind them- hopefully, kids can then have more conversations with more people, about things they  'know, but didn't even know they knew.'

I hope you'll feel free to comment!