Bonnie Miller- Helping Problems Fail

All or Nothing

All... or Nothing. These are not two separate destinations- they are points on a scale. But we often use 'all' or 'nothing' as the only measures for success- just two points by which to gauge our experience. 

Maybe it's a subtle point- it's so embedded in our way of thinking. We're either Working out, or not. We're productive or lazy. Happy or sad. Relaxed or Anxious. Settled or Angry. Failing or Succeeding. 

We call it 'binary thinking'- two states, opposite of each other. One is preferred, and one is to be avoided. 

The effect is so limiting! All the territory in between the two points- skipped over, ignored and invisible. It's so much better to live in the middle ground. But how do we do it, when our way of speaking pulls us into these opposites?

Well, it's complicated. The first step is to have more words. Words that describe the colourful zone of meanings and qualities of being between the Black and White. Words like: irritated, annoyed, dreamy, contemplative, thoughtless, planful, strategizing, problem-solving, moving, resting, jumpy, energetic, settled, sleepy, sorrowful, gloomy, saddened, enlivened, social, curious, interested, reflective...

The next step is to have more detail about the action that exists between Start and Finish. The thinking and dreaming, the turning over of options, the playing, creating, speculating, choosing, exploring, deciding, planning and collecting and researching, the preparing and clearing and settling and the beginning to act. The moment to moment, the step by step, the backwards, the problem, the set-back, the re-grouping and re-directing, the gathering together and the next step. Momentum, and progress, and the stillness and reflection and rest. 

All of it counts, all of it is part of the process, no matter what the project is- a renovation or a relationship, making a new habit or breaking an old one. Naming and claiming all the stages and steps and states is what makes life bright, detailed and full of colour. 

Practice finding more words to describe your life, and see what happens...

Playing around

Sometimes people will say: "I've got a new toy"... well- I've got a new toy!

Actually, the truth is, I've got a few new toys, lately. One is a keyboard, the other is an IPad tablet. So, the IPad I can say is for work- and it is, really. But- it comes with some nifty things for play.

I'm not talking about games, though I sometimes use games. But the games we typically use on phones and tablets are not really play. They are more accurately categorized as 'escape' or 'numbing'. People use these simple repetitive games to distract themselves from a subway journey, from an unavoidable wait, from a pause in the action. This is not play. 

Play is more active than that. Play is creative, imaginative, expressive, and at best, social. Play is not driven by outcomes, or product- it is activity for its own ends. Simply, to play is the point.

I am not a musician. I have no training, no background, no musical theory. I sometimes listen to music, but not in a serious way. I am ignorant of its history, its big names, for the most part and I don't listen to the radio, I'm not up on the current trends. So when I fool around on my keyboard, there is no beauty in it for anyone else. But for me- this toy takes me to a state of flow, and that is deeply relaxing.

I 'play' on my keyboard. I find rhythms and beats I like, and set the autoplay going. Then I express myself without judgement. 'noodling around' to make a song that isn't a song. I'm exploring, and I don't record it, or get attached to the outcome. When I'm done, I'm grinning and happy, laughing with goofy pleasure.

Play. 

How do you do it?

Time is Money (or is it?)

Today I've got some "Free" time. What exactly does that mean?

Our entire economy is built on this metaphor:Time is Money. We give our time in work, in exchange for money- that's the most obvious part of the metaphor. More subtle is the idea of 'free' time.

"Free" has been made into a marketing strategy. It's sometimes portrayed as a reward- buy this thing, and get this other thing for 'free'. Do we think about free time this way, as well?

I've purchased my free time, through working. I can 'afford' this time, to not be working. But then, what shall I do with this time, that I have earned? How shall I 'spend' my free time? 

It starts to feel a bit silly, the more I write. Okay, okay- I can hear you say- we get it. Time is Money, so what? 

Well, I'm thinking about this because of the pressure the metaphor puts on the day. Spending my free time becomes a decision that is heavy-weight. The metaphor affects how I feel: the time is precious. I've earned it. I should not Waste my time. How will I get the most Value out of my Free Time?

This line of thought, so unconsciously full of the money metaphor, often paralyses me when I am faced with this choice about time. Impulses to relax, or do nothing that could be called 'productive' become morally suspect. I might as well just scatter twenty-dollar bills on the grass! Waste!! Waste!! And the pressure builds: what shall I do with this time? How shall I make use of it? How will I justify the way I've 'spent' the day?

Ideas about productivity infuse our culture so thoroughly that it is difficult to notice the effect. But once you begin to pay attention to this, it's easy to see the way stress creeps into our thinking. Unstructured play, reading for pleasure, walking just to look at the leaves in fall- these things can be squeezed out by the hidden vice of productivity. How can one call such activities 'useful'? What good does it do to buy such activities with my hard-earned time?

And so I begin to consider more 'valuable' uses: housework, unfinished projects, yard work, class preparation, writing for business... and gradually the spark begins to fade out of the day, and time becomes Money, again.

But we can choose the metaphors we use. We can choose.

What if TIme isn't MONEY, all the time. What if TIme is Life?

And then the question becomes: What shall I do with this LIfe?

 

The Summer Day - Mary Oliver

Enough is enough

How do we know when enough is enough?

Enough effort? Enough productivity? Good enough? Enough satisfaction? Enough safety?

As a Narrative therapist, I am alert to the influence of social scripts, 'grand narratives' that can invisibly influence our thinking and actions. These scripts often show up as directions, or instructions for life and have a tone of authority.

Phrases like "everyone should..." or "people ought to.." Sometimes the 'people' are left out, and we just here the command: 'work harder' 'try your best', 'get ahead', 'more is better'.

These are cultural directives, and they disguise cultural assumptions about work, possessions, status, social approval. When we don't take time to examine them, these directives can set up unrelenting expectations and stress about not being, doing or having enough. 

This is where our imagination can step in to save us. 

Although Narrative therapists are not specifically goal driven, we know the power of a good story, and a good story paints a vivid picture, one that involves the senses, a detailed setting, and physical sensation. So you might hear me ask questions like these:

• "Tell me what you would see, when you are organized enough?"  
• "How will your body feel, when you feel safe enough?"
• "Describe what you might be doing, saying, standing, when you feel competent enough?"
• "What will other people notice, when you are working just enough and not too much?"
• "What might you be doing, when you and your partner felt connected enough?"
• "What might be the specific effects- on your thoughts, feelings, relationships- of a good enough effort?"

When we imagine results- vividly with all our senses, socially in our context of family, friends, colleagues, physiologically in our body movements, sensations, breath- then we begin to have a specific measures and indicators of success, we begin to develop a vision of 'enough' that becomes useful. 

Instead of a vague, always shifting and never fully satisfied directive, we have a destination. And when our efforts and focus lead us to that place, it's like arriving at a welcoming home, where enough, is enough.

Mind your Mental Diet

Today, I'm reminded of the phrase "Garbage in, Garbage out"- associated with computer coding, and the very sensible idea that bad coding leads to bad program performance.

I'm thinking of it because of the disturbing dreams I had last night, and the clear link to a Netflix show I've been watching. It's an FBI show featuring  an actor I like. But its plot centres on conspiracy theory- nothing is accidental, everything is a plot- and all the characters eventually live through a paranoid lens. 

My dreams were populated with prisoners, images of stress and persecution. That has an effect on my body when I return to the waking world. I'm tense, and my mood takes a while to shift from gloom to the brightness of the morning.

Our body-brain - our nervous system- doesn't know the difference right away, between imaginary experience and real time experience. When the imagery is vivid, our bodies respond with hormonal and systemic reaction. Movies, plays, stories generate empathy, lived experience. We are affected, and this can be good. It's the root of charity, of humanitarian aid and activism. It's also the root of sadness, joyfulness, despair, love. It's why memory is so powerful, why trauma and loss take time to shift to a manageable state. 

We can't choose everything that happens in our actual life, and our individual impact on world events has limits. But we can choose what to include in our 'mental diet' via news and entertainment. And wIth so much real-world stress and paranoia in politics at the moment, I'm going to reconsider my 'entertainment' diet. 

The Brain Takes the Shape of What the Mind Rests Upon

It's a saying that comes from Buddhist ideas- that what we focus our attention on shapes our experience. 

This idea is being supported by current work in the study of the brain, through brain imaging technology, we can see the connections in our neural networks forming! It's impressive. 

How do we make use of this information, to improve our lives? 

One way is through what people commonly call a 'gratitude practice'. or what our grandparents might have called "count your blessings". Every once in a while, I get reminded of this- in my work, in my life at home: the simple abilities that are so easy to take for granted. Things like: balance, fine motor skills, flexibility, mobility. And bigger things, like a safe home and friendly neighbours, and a country where I am able to move freely from place in place, almost without thought. 

And that is the point: without thought. Often our sense of gratitude is crowded out by worries and fears, by stress and conflict and expectation. This focus on problem elements has an effect on our brain and body- adding to our sense of stress and overwhelm. 

I'm not suggesting that gratitude will solve the very real stresses and demands of a busy life. But it will offer perspective, and allow us to handle challenges with a little bit more grace. 

Change your focus; change your mind

Spoken word performer and Buddhist monk Mipham invites us to consider what happens when we change our focus- will it be a new job, a new relationship, a new experience that brings happiness? or something else? I'd love to hear what people think about this video:

 

A recipe for confidence

When we talk about self-esteem, we often run into the idea of 'self-confidence'; the two sometimes seem interchangeable. 
It gets me wondering if the word 'self' might be a little bit over general.
We have many sides to our identity, many different ways of being in the world. Some of these sides are well-established. Others seem brand-new. 
So it stands to reason that 'confidence' might be varied.
'Self-confidence' often comes into question when a person is stretching themselves, trying something a bit new, or taking a risk of some kind. 
A helpful thing to ask ourselves, or the people we care for, might be: confidence in what?
What are the skills and practices that are needed for a task that feels a bit scary? Can we break it down?For example, someone who is parenting a three year old for the first time might feel a 'lack of confidence' in their 'skills' as a parent. Well, what skills are we actually talking about? 
Might these include skills of: 

• Listening
• Imagining
• Patience
• Teaching
• Noticing
• Planning
• Playing
• Guiding 
   or something else? 

A person may have some experience in any or all of these skills. Some may be quite new. And of course, their particular child will have an influence on how the skills are used. 
But when we look into the other aspects of the person's identity, we may hear stories of their skills in planning, as a worker; or listening, as a sibling; or teaching, as a friend; noticing, as an artist; or playing, as a child. 
Each story, if richly told, will enrich the person's sense of their own history of skill. And the sense of which skills need practice will be more specific, less overwhelming. 

 

"Stories of skill, used over time": sounds like a good recipe for 'confidence', to me.

"Practices and Values" approach

Earlier this week I wrote about possible difficulties with a 'cause and effect' approach to experiences of 'failure'. Today I want to offer a different idea:

Values and Practices

I'll go back to my story of 'failure'- when I lost my record of 168 days of writing in a row.

At first I lectured myself about 'consistency' and 'focus'- and that was quite unpleasant.

So then I thought about my purpose in pursuing the goal... 

Was it just about the Pteradactyl badge? (the answer to that is: Yes! partly... I really, really like that badge... and just so you know- that's for 200 days of writing in a row!)

But were there other values at stake? What was I actually trying to do?

I decided that 168 days in a row had demonstrated to me that I could, indeed, form a habit and stick to it. So, although my initial purpose may have been about developing a habit, something about that wasn't enough. 

Was it about the content of the writing itself? No, not really. A lot of what I was writing was pretty useless rambling, just to meet the goal of the three pages. (Things like: "I'm really tired, and just want to go to bed; this is stupid why am I doing it...)

And this got me thinking- if the content isn't useful to me what is the point of the habit?

In the end, I came to a different intention with 750words.com.

It needed to be less about the badges, and more about the content.

Although I still use it to ramble and complain at times, I more often use it to:

• develop ideas for teaching and training
• draft blog posts
• generate plans for the year and to
• reflect on my work with people
• practice gratitude 

Now, these things seem useful. 

And I still don't have my Pteradactl Badge. 

I decided not to write in December- life was busy, and I had other priorities. I paid attention to what it was like to not have this habit, though. 

And it made a difference. I really noticed that my worries about upcoming projects increased!

So I decided to go back to it, in January. (I'm on an unbroken streak at the moment.)

But this time, I am more purposeful. The value of the habit is connected to keeping my mind clear, generating ideas, building skills. The practice isn't about developing a habit anymore- it's about what the habit is developing in me. 

And this continues to contribute to my growing identity as 'a person who writes'...

So, how does this relate to 'self-esteem'?

A focus on values means I am less vulnerable to stories of 'failure'.

This is because I am 'practicing' a value. "Practice" is a verb; it is a thing we 'do', not a thing we 'are'.

When we talk about 'practices' related to what we value, we are making space for the idea of 'becoming'. This, in turn, means that 'self-esteem' is something in continual flux, a state of being that ebbs and flows in connection with what we 'do', rather than what we 'are'...

When we review actions relative to our own purposes and values, we make room for change that is energized, hopeful, and generative. We make room for the possibility of 'practice'. 

 

 

Telling stories for self-esteem

"Low Self-esteem" invites Frustration

We often experience frustration when the people we love don't see their own successes, their own competence. 

It's what makes 'low self-esteem' such a gnarly problem. You can't convince someone that they are competent, if they are not seeing it themselves. 

Part of the problem has to do with how we are taught to praise and reinforce kids. We tell them they are 'good' at things. Good at art, good at math, good at making friends. Or, we tell them about their admirable qualities; we say that they are kind, or thoughtful, or a good listener. 

But these words may not mean that much to a young person. These words are abstract, and they don't make much of an impact on 'comparison' or 'self-doubt'. 

Stories are much better. 

Stories that describe the person doing something competent, or demonstrating a valued quality can be quite useful. Told with enough detail, they create a vivid memorable picture of the person using skills and having success.

There are two ways we can use stories to shift the influence of 'low self-esteem'. 

1. We can get the person to tell a story about themselves

2. We can get other people telling a story about something a person did. 

Here's what we want in a story:

Details.Details.Details.

Let me give you an example. 

Let's say I was meeting with a boy called Lenny and his dad.

Lenny is starting to get a bit stuck in the idea that he is a 'loser'. He's in trouble a lot a school for not paying attention; it seems he might be getting picked on a bit by some other boys, and lately he's been sent to the principal for running out of the class.

His dad is sure that his son is not a 'loser', but his words don't seem to mean much. 

I start by asking Lenny's dad to tell me some things he notices that are a bit special about Lenny.

I hear that he is:

• a good listener at home,
• very observant,
• and he has a wonderful imagination.

These skills sound very interesting, and they don't fit with the image of a boy who can't pay attention. 

So I ask Lenny's dad for a story about these things.

For example, how did he come to know that Lenny is 'observant'? 

As Lenny's dad tells the story, I ask him for lots of detail, like:

• When did the story take place?
• Where were they?
• Who was there?
• How old was Lenny?
• Were people surprised?
• How does Lenny's dad understand this ability to observe?
• Does it run in the family?
• Were there games or ways of practicing this skill, that explain how Lenny got so good at observing?
• Has he gotten better at observing things, over time?
• How does Lenny's dad know this?
• How does he explain it? 

 

Now, what does this have to do with running out of the class? 

At first, it doesn't seem to relate at all. But Lenny is listening and making connections between his actions and his skills. 

He is getting a vivid picture of himself from someone else's eyes, and at the same time remembering the situation for himself.

His opinion of his own abilities is a little bit more specific, perhaps a bit more informed. Lenny might be feeling like a person who can do certain things. 

So, when we come to talk about the trouble at school, we might wonder if these skills of observation have any tricks to offer. Might he use them in a way that could be helpful?

The answer could be yes, or no, or maybe- but the story of Lenny's skills of observation will get us on the track of something useful.

It's just a matter of time...