When we are thinking about 'self-esteem' it is important to consider which 'self' we are talking about.
One way to do this is to notice all the different roles we have in our lives. For example, I am a daughter and a daughter-in-law; I'm a therapist and a painter; I am a step-mom, a wife, a friend; I am a trainer and a learner.
In each of these roles there are many things that stay the same about me. But how I feel about these roles many change, depending on the surroundings, and the people who are inter-acting with me.
A simple example: When I visit my Canadian family, I am physically 'average'. When I visit my British in-laws, I am both taller and heavier than 'average'. My two mothers may have different reactions- one may comment on how fit I am; the other may worry about my health. These differing responses interact with my privately held opinions of my health, my efforts related to that, my own purposes, the nature of my relationship with these two women in my life.
Same body, two reactions; many possible effects.
When we are thinking about self-esteem, or helping someone else think about it, a good first step might be to separate out and name some of these roles, these different identities.
Then, we can take a look at who we relate to in these roles, what they hope for, what we hope for, and how these things inter-act. We can look at our actions, our values, and our preferences.
Are we feeling pride or shame? confidence or doubt? something in-between?
We can ask ourselves or those we are trying to help: Why this feeling and not something else? Why these standards, and not others? and what is the history of that?
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