When I am working with someone and the issue of 'low self-esteem' comes up, we often talk about the idea of "Comparison".
In my last post, I talked about how my weight and body shape is perceived and responded to differently, depending on which part of my family I am with-I think this is a good example of how "Comparison" isn't just to other specific individuals- it can be to a whole community.
Families are a community. So are workplaces and professional groups, teams and other social groups, schools and other educational settings.
Each group comes with a set of spoken and unspoken 'standards'. And consistently feeling like you are 'outside' of the standard can call all kinds of things into question.
A single woman among married friends; a heavy man among muscled colleagues; an active child among sedentary peers- these visible or 'status' differences have effects on a person's identity within that group.
Sometimes it matters, and sometimes it doesn't. So what makes the difference?
So much depends on how the difference is understood.
If the married friends are struggling with their busy lives, feeling disconnection from spouses, they may understand their single friend as 'free' and elevate her status. She may (or may not) agree, and this will influence some of her response to being single.
The heavy man may be the CEO; his fitness level may be immaterial to his success, where his colleagues are still focused on first impressions. The heavy guy may be happily partnered; the fit men may still be living a single life. Who feels better about themselves? And will that sense of contentment stay the same when they are in front of their family doctor?
And the active child may have no problem personally with her level of energy; but much will depend on her educational environments. One school environment may express frustration and judgment of the active child; another may focus on supporting and working with her energy and specific learning style. Her sense of identity in the school setting might be different, depending on this.
This variety means that 'self-esteem' can fluctuate, and 'comparison' is a big part of that.
What can we do about this?
In my experience, the most useful thing is to focus our attention on our own values and purposes. Look at the effects of 'comparison' on how you think; look at what comparison gets you doing, how it influences your attitudes and actions.
Do these attitudes and actions suit you? Do they fit with your values and purposes for yourself? If so, how can you support them, and maintain what is working for you?
If not, how can you step away from what is not working? what can you do instead?
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