It's something we talk about fairly often- our 'self-esteem'... but what is it that we are really discussing?
A quick Google search for 'definition of esteem' provides this: "Respect and admiration, typically for a person: "he was held in high esteem by colleagues". Other entries use terms like 'stable sense of worth' or 'value'.
So what is this 'self' that we are hoping to have respect and admiration for? Programs for kids and adults alike often ask us to list things we like about ourselves, or things that we are good at. And in my experience, these lists are inconsistently useful.
It seems that something is not connecting- its not just a matter of listing qualities we like, or our hobbies or interests.
There is more to it than that.
Stories and their meanings
We all have stories about our lives, and we take meaning from these stories.
For example, a father who is firm about setting limits for his six year old daughter may tell the story in several ways.
In the first version, he might tell it as a comedy, a story about his daughter's budding talent as an actress, as he describes the stages of her resistence; wheedling, pouting, tears, outrage, and sweetly requested foregiveness.
In another version, he might tell the same story as a drama, focusing on his inner struggle to stay the course, his feelings of frustration and of guilt, as he battles between a desire for consistency and his wish to be his daughter's favourite parent.
and of course, his daughter will have her own way of telling the story...
But what has this to do with self-esteem?
Meaning-making, or the 'moral of the story'
The father in this example has intentions that relate to his role as a dad- perhaps he wants his daughter to have good homework habits, or practice good sleep habits, or perhaps he has clear ideas about healthy eating- whatever his intentions are, they make up the motives behind his actions.
He is not acting in a vaccum, though. His daughter has her responses, and she makes sense of what her father does on her own terms. She may think of him as 'mean', 'unfair', perhaps even 'horrible' or 'not as nice as Grandpa'.
This gets to be important, over time.
It can be easy for a parent to begin to doubt themselves. The story he tells, the story his daughter tells, and the way that he is seen by other adults can add up. He may develop a story of himself as a 'strict dad', a 'mean dad', or a 'caring dad'; and the actions he takes may be exactly the same in each instance.
The opinions of valued other people influence how we feel about ourselves, and if we are confronted with a negative response, in spite of our good intentions, we may come to feel 'less esteemed'.
A story of 'failure as a parent' can begin to come together, and may link up with other stories of 'failure'. As this theme gathers strength, the opinion of one's performance begins to lower... we can begin to feel as if all the evidence is in, and in time, the origins of this story of 'failure' are buried, like running shoes under a pile of dirty laundry.
So, what can we do about it? How do we help ourselves or others get out from under this accumulated story?
Re-storying values and intentions
Sometimes a person loses their sense that a story could be told in any other way.
When this happens, it's important to listen for the 'thin threads' of another story- the story of intentions or values, or hopes that might be lurking in the usual storyline.
What is behind this father's sticking to his limits for example?
What does he hope to accomplish, and why?
How did he decide to set this purpose in his parenting?
How did this way of parenting become important to him?
When we search for the values and intentions in a story, we can help people reconnect to something 'respect-worthy' in their lives. We can look at whether their choices are supporting of their values, or if their choices somehow contradict their values and hopes. We can consider other people's views from a place of relationship, and what is hoped for in that relationship.
And when we do this, it is inevitable that a person's esteem of their own intentions will rise...
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