Why do we Blame the Person for the Problem?
When there's a tree across the road, you don't blame the driver.
Why then, when problems interfere with our lives, do we blame the people we love (including ourselves)?
It seems we've been trained to think of Problems as personal characteristics, as traits or flaws that need 'work' or that may 'never change'.
When we think that way, we lose a lot of influence over the Problem. The Problem gets to be in charge- convincing us through discouragement, self-critique or some other trick- that we are in for a long haul, that we might be fighting a losing battle, or perhaps we should give up hope...
Changing people is hard, after all.
But when Problems are creating havoc in your life, it's not useful to focus on changing the person- whether that's you, or your child or your partner.
If it's Anger, Depression, Anxiety, or Something else- it's really the Problem that is the problem. And it's the Problem that needs to change.
The person isn't the Problem- but the person is in Relationship with the Problem.
Anger, Anxiety or Depression may be dominating your life, or the life of someone you care about.
Problems do this by using repetitive thinking, isolation and negative talk - to crowd out the time and space that you used to make for creativity, loving relationships and hopes for the future.
Problems take advantage of social settings and expectations.
The stronger the influence of the Problem, the more other people, like teachers, co-workers, extended family can lose sight of the good, the skills, or abilities of the person affected by the Problem.
Problems like Anger or Depression may be spoiling the connection between you and your partner, blinding each of you to what was good in your relationship, before the Problem got so bossy.
You don't need to change yourself, your child or your partner. But the relationship with the Problem could use some serious help.
Changing a relationship with a Problem like Anger, Anxiety, Depression doesn't have to take a long time.
Especially when you have some outside help.
Even though these Problems tend to be very convincing, and even if your relationship with the Problem has a long history, we can undo the habits and thoughts that keep the Problem present. Browse this site to learn more, or...Contact me to get started.