Here is an interesting idea, from Michael White's 'Maps of Narrative Therapy' (2007):
"...identity is founded upon an 'association of life' rather than a core self." (p. 129)
He also writes, in the same chapter:
"The membership of this association of life is made up of the significant figures of a person's history, as well as the identities of the person's present circumstances, whose voices are influential with regard to how the person constructs her or his identity." (p. 136)
White is suggesting that our sense of self is 'made', not born- and that other people make significant contributions to this.
In some ways, this idea seems kind of obvious, doesn't it? We hear from our family at an early age, how we are 'just like our mother', or say that a person is a 'carbon copy' of their father. Most often, though, we think of this as a biological inheritance.
This notion of biological inheritance can have very limiting effects. For some of us, it can feel like a prediction- that problems of anger, or impatience, or shyness, or worry- are 'built into' us, and are therefore inescapable.
It also leaves little space to acknowledge the contributions of significant others- people who are not related to us, but who nevertheless have a strong effect on our values, our ways of seeing the world, our awareness of skills and abilities.
These things- what we do and how we think- are most certainly significant elements of what we would call our 'selves'- our identity. So how does this relate to the concept and experience of 'self-esteem?'
In part, our 'self-esteem' is very much related to our reputation with others. What are the stories that other people tell about us? What were the reports of teachers to our parents? How did our parents understand these reports? Who thought well of us? How was this shared, and with whom?
A lot will depend on the cultures and context in which we grow and develop. What standards are we held to? Is it a climate of competition, encouragement, indifference? What is measured? And who decides what is measured? What is valued?
A child will experience many evaluations as they grow- some will contradict each other:
- a strict teacher may demand compliance
- a collaborative parent may value creativity and self-expression
- a coach may encourage teamwork or competition
- a faith community may emphasise contribution and service to others
- a family culture may require adherence to tradition
- a peer group may press for exploration of what is new
Which of these practices takes precedance?
In the 'association of life' there may be voices that have taken up too much space, critical figures that drown out other, more appreciative individuals. The effect of this chorus, this drowning out of appreciation can contribute to a 'lowering of self-esteem'- and we see the result, in depression, in worry and fear of risk, in a restricted life.
But these other, appreciative figures are there, waiting to be 're-membered' into our lives. They can be, as Michael White says "upgraded" in our life membership; and those who are unhelpful can be 'down-graded', or even expelled from our 'club'.
Talking with others about important, supportive figures can revive these voices. We can recollect their comments, reconsider what they might have seen in us, why they might have singled us out for special attention. In these recollections, we might also think about what we might have meant to them, how we contributed to their lives.
As we talk of these people, we 're-member' them, and rediscover the skills and values that they encouraged in us. We begin to know ourselves as a person with many different expressions of identity, to many different people. And we begin to remember that we have choices about how we live our lives.
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