Stories about our selves are really stories about relationships.
Even in utter isolation, we create and value relationships, as part of how we make sense of the world. For me the most moving scene in the movie "Cast Away" (Tom Hanks, 2000) was when Tom's character Chuck Noland loses his 'friend' Wilson the volleyball...
Something about Chuck's sense of self had to do with this relationship- I guess we could come up with a lot of different stories about what Wilson meant to Chuck- after all, in the movie, Wilson was Chuck's only companion for four years...
But what seems interesting to me is the idea that we tell our stories about our selves and our purposes, our thoughts and dreams and plans to others- even if the 'other' isn't real in the conventional sense.
The relationship is real.
It's important to recognize the influence of these 'real' relationships, whether they are imaginary, as with children's favorite toys, or remembered, as with a person no longer present in our lives. These relationships make a background for our stories of success and failure, and they influence our evaluation of how well or how poorly we are doing in our lives.
We all have these influential relationships. And some of them are intentional; some of them are imposed. We can all connect with some figures who played the role of loving witness and supporter. We are all exposed to the unsolicited influence of those who emphasise criticism and judgement.
When we are trying to help someone improve their sense of self-esteem, it can be important to check out which relationships are front and center. We want to make sure that the person is in touch with loving witnesses and supporters, and less attentive to critics and judges.
We can do that by inviting the person to tell stories of their experiences of support; stories about people who noticed the values and intentions and practices that are most important to the person. These relationships, these connections can begin to counter the stories of failure or loss that often lead to a person feeling a degraded sense of worth.
Even though Wilson is lost at sea, we can imagine what he might say, if asked, about Chuck's persistence, creativity, humour, intelligence. These stories might go a long way to helping Chuck feel less terrible about his loss, and put him back in touch with all that he did for and with Wilson, on their lonely island.
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